You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may have spent these past 39 years meandering through life, focused only on petty concerns, without any direction or drive, but not anymore. My unremarkable childhood, my awkward adolescence, my purposeless teens through early 30s—it's all been leading up to this. So look out world, because for the second half of my life, I'm going to rock out like a motherfucker!

Once I hit 40, man, there's going to be no stopping me. Soon as the big birthday rolls around, I'm planning on starting that novel, opening my long-dreamed-of record store, and finally breaking into the experimental underground film scene. By the time I'm 43, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the hippest person I know. Hey—I've got a steady paycheck coming in, so there's no reason to put off being kick-ass any longer.

No chance I'm spending the last 50 percent of my life as a lame-o.

It's natural, at my age, to doubt yourself. But that's no kind of an attitude to have, dude! Sure, I've tried to rock for 39 years and I've failed. But I can't let myself quit now! This is my chance to finally achieve all the dreams I've spent more than three dozen years accruing.

This could be the decade!

For the rest - The Onion