Procrastination is an illness that has reached epidemic proportions in our country, and it is my lifelong goal to bring this disease to the forefront of medical research. The American Medical Association has allowed this crippling ailment to plague our community undiagnosed for years, robbing our society of the best and brightest (and laziest) minds of our time. Next time you are in a bus, a classroom, a submarine, or any other place where there are people on either side of you, look to the person on your left, then look to the person on your right, and remember that a lot of people have this disease… scary, huh? How has the pharmaceutical industry not jumped on this yet, and produced a pill that can help save us from this miserable affliction affecting everyone.

Imagine this: In a single day, an overweight 80 year old man eats an entire bag of salt, then sprints through a field of wildflowers, visits the Playboy Mansion, and returns home that evening only to toss and turn all night with insomnia due to his social anxiety disorder… and we have the pills to save him!!! All he needs is a few Lipovox to trim his gut, or better yet, an Ephedrasil Hardcore for that hard-to-tame flab (Seriously, this is a real product, and the following is an actual line from one of their advertisements: “Ephedrasil Hardcore is by far the most effective fat burner and "Feel Good Pill" legally available today. **Ephedrasil Hardcore is 100% Ephedra-Free. It's the only product reviewed that received a 100/100 on weight loss potential.” Well I’m sold… for Christ’s sake it got a 100/100 for weight loss potential, that’s the kind of math you can’t argue with. However, if a selling point for your product is that it contains no ephedra, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CALL IT EPHEDRASIL HARDCORE???). Next, he pops a few Lipitor to keep the cholesterol steady after the bag of salt, and washes it down with a Singulair to control the sniffles before his jaunt through the ragweed. Then, even when he feels he is out of energy, all he needs is a Levitra for his trip to Heffner’s brothel, and chemistry will once again help to perpetuate the most disgusting, erratically oblong circles of life ever thought up in Mother Nature’s worst nightmares. After a long day, he is prepared to cry himself to sleep because after 80 years he still lacks the social skills to make a single friend, but with a few Ambien he’s off to dreamland in an instant. As for that social anxiety disorder, well there are plenty of pills to remedy that, but I urge you to take a listen to my favorite, whose advertisement can be found on the following link: http://www.ernietheattorney.net/ernie_the_attorney/files/ask_your_doctor...

My point is this… I am bored and I live in the woods alone. Secondly, why the hell haven’t they cured procrastination yet??? Third, why are old people with faulty wangs hooking up more than me??? For reasons I will not bore you with, none of which having to do with the lowering of my self esteem, let’s concentrate on the second of these three points. If they can fix high cholesterol, allergies, heartburn, nail fungi, and maladies of the mind, then where the hell is my procrastination pill??? Yet another untapped goldmine for the pharmaceutical industry, and me without a degree in chemical engineering. I even came up with a few catchy brand names for this new wonder drug: Procrastigone, Lazifree, Kikinass, Concrastinator, and my favorite Procrastizap Hardcore (Wash it down with a Mountain Dew for added effectiveness).

But I digress… and even though I’m not totally sure what digress means, I must make a final admission: I too am suffering from the disease known as Procrastination. Yes, it’s true, take a moment to let it sink in… I know what you’re saying “Pat has procrastination!?!? But how? He’s one of the best and brightest minds of our time, not to mention his chiseled features, and infinite athletic ability!!!” I too was taken aback when I first came to realize I was procrastinate, and I’ve spent years denying it and coming up with excuses. But I write to you today, reaching out to all the other procrastinators who have struggled in silence, and I say “NO MORE!!!” That is because after years of suffering, I have finally come up with a way to free us of this debilitating sickness… I thought of a foolproof excuse that totally dishes any guilt or blame for my procrastinate ways off of me and onto various other societal forces (whether real or imagined) so that I can eternally blame the system and live out my life lazily guilt free eating bags of salt. If you are suffering from Procrastination, and I know you are, then relief is just a few easy steps away. Just send three easy payments of $19.95 care of:
ProcrastiPat
PO Box 5050
Middle-of-Woods, WY 86Q53
Upon receipt of your third payment, you will receive Pat’s foolproof excuse that will have you rationalizing your lazy life away in under 1 week. Act now and we’ll include 20% more ephedra in your excuse, FREE!!!

So the real reason for this posting’s theme is that Seth has tried to get me to post for a while now and I have just been a lazy piece of crap, and I kinda feel bad about it. However I am turning over a new leaf and hope to post at least once a week, more if you’re lucky (or unlucky depending upon how you view it). For those of you who actually read this entire posting, and are now regretting having done so, find comfort in the fact that this nonsensical tirade could have been worse… I could have been drinking when I wrote it. Thank your lucky stars…