Man, you know who's got it made? Fucking idiots. Like not people with severe mental disabilities, necessarily (although I suspect some of them are quietly having a blast), but the generally dumb. They're not only the ruling majority in this or any country, but they glide across the world's rough edges on a thick, downy cushion of mild bewilderment not unlike those bumpers they put in the gutters when little kids go bowling. I was paying up at one of my town's two shitty Chinese restaurants last night and this old fat woman was at the register in front of me (of the variety you'd expect to collect either Hummels or state-themed thimbles) and as soon as she completed her transaction, she pressed her hands against one another in front of her chest like the Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian" dance and loudly said "Sayonara!" to the politely smiling host. Sure, it induced a round of that squeaking-cough sound when you're trying to hold in gales of laughter from everyone within earshot, but can you imagine how worldly and refined she came across in her own eyes? She probably felt like Sir Richard Burton for the rest of the night.

Being smart's an OK time if you're into playing wikipedia for all your stupid friends and worrying about how things you write on the internet will be "construed," but at this point I would much rather be able to sit through an hour of Dancing With the Stars without feeling like there are ants running through my veins than recall the names of villains from 30-year-old children's cartoons any day of the week.

I mean, how sweet would it be to get really, really angry in a bar cause you overheard someone say something and you can't figure out whether or not they were talking about you, and if so whether or not they were making fun of you? I always know when someone's making fun of me and all it does is make me realize that I'm not going to do anything about it.

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